Easter Sunday: Crucifiction

Easter is here!

A fuzzy bunny has hopped internationally and delivered sugary ellipsoids to the devotional and non-devotional alike! Yahoo for candy; the bunny/chocolate aspect of Easter is preferable to the horror flick that it is derived from.

On the third day, he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures — they say….

Now, of course, I am talking about Jesus of Nazareth rising from the dead 72 hours after his brutal execution on Golgotha. As the story goes, he died, returned, and people went batshit over it. (Funny how the only provable aspect of Easter is the part about the insanity; you can’t spell crucifixion without fiction.)

Anyway, the story of Good Friday & Easter is a gruesome unprovable tale based on self-fulfilling scriptural writings that all borrow from one another, contain dubious authorial quality and contradict themselves at every turn. The writings survive with the power and influence they do, simply because they claim to be the word of God.

For every other alternately miniscule aspect of human life, everyone and their heavenly father demands proof through empirical evidence. Even if that evidence is only available on the very credible sources of stuff like Entertainment Tonight or YouTube, we gotta see it to believe it.

Consider viral videos and internet memes. When something ridiculous like that terrible “Friday” song comes out and the water-cooler is abuzz with how incredulous the vapidity of the song is, one inevitably scurries to the screen to see for oneself.

So why not with religion?????????????????????

Religion has subsisted so long because the very nature of it begets a close-minded approach to living. Grace through faith alone, sola scriptura, and other symphonies of total bullshit attack independent thought and preclude lesser intellects from ever raising tough questions or even pondering the more whimsical tripe that religion force-feeds. Religion is negative and nauseating because it actively retards human progress based on capricious unprovable claims that pacify the brains of people without the capability to think philosophically and ponder mystery.

A friend of mine defined religion so very eloquently when he compared it to scientific inquiry: Science is a question looking for an answer, religion is an answer looking for a question.

Thank you Thomas, for your brilliant summation of the mental slavery that characterizes much of organized religion.

The reason religion is so very dangerous (and seriously ballsy) is that it claims to have all the answers to questions it most certainly does not. To aver with certainty, to pointedly state as fact what is not fact and to believe deeply in the unprovable are three factors that essentially comprise this poison known as religion.

The swaggering assuredness of American Evangelism may be the worst of the batch, but ultimately, all denominations are rungs on the same ladder of falsehood. There are some who claim scientific evidence as a test of faith. For these people, even irrefutable scientifically factual evidence of a lack of deity would not be enough to quell the intense passion they feel for their creator. When I witness this blind lemming-like attitude, I truly don’t know how to respond.

Until the day this biblical scourge is wiped from the planet we all must share, the fight for honesty, scientific fact and truth must persist.

Enjoy your horror film, on this, the supposed day of Resurrection.

Lumea e un loc nasol

Io-s genu’ naiv. Stau de cateva zile bune în coconul meu de autosuficienţă, vorbind doar cu oameni pe care-i suport, uitându-mă doar la lucruri care-mi plac şi ignorând complet tot ce se întâmplă în jurul meu şi am impresia că treaba, în general, e bună.
Mă rog. Mai văd pe facebook cum nasoalele îşi schimbă relationship status-ul, poate-poate le bagă cineva în seamă şi le întreabă cum de-s brusc single/engaged/married/widow. Şi abia aşteaptă să facă un prost greşeala, ca să o facă pe misterioasele, mulţumite că universului îi pasă cine şi cât le-o dă lor între labii.
Şi la fel, sperau să fie interesanţi şi nişte hipsteri în Control. Înainte de critici. Era în drumu’ meu. N-ajung de 4 ori pe an acolo. Deci. Hipsterii. Aduseseră în bodegă un aparat foto cu film. Iarăşi, ştiu că există şi beneficii la aparatele foto cu film, că-s unele mişto cu care faci treabă. Nu. Era o rapandulă chinezească de plastic. Şi hipsterii tot se pozau cu mizeria aia şi beleau fasolea unii la alţii, poate observă şi oamenii din jur ce năstruşnici sunt ei cu aparatul lor total inadecvat realităţii.
Şi dintr-o librărie se hlizeşte la mine, cu faţa lui de om care se scarpină pe nas cu lopata, Robert Pattinson. A apărut biografia lui neoficială OMG! Să-mi pun chiloţii de schimb, că ăştia s-au umectat până la şosete! Are 25 de ani. Cum poţi să faci biografia unui om de 25 de ani? S-a căcat pe el nişte ani, după care s-a dus la şcoală nişte ani, după care a futut nişte gagici. Mai aşteptaţi vreo 25 de ani sau un început de leucemie, ce pula mea. Nimeni nu merită o biografie la 25 de ani.
Numa’ decizii proaste în lumea asta.
Spre exemplu, fiecare facultate are vreo 20 de asociaţii studenţeşti, unde se adună toţi şomerii prea proşti să îşi găsească un loc de muncă. Să cerşească bani de la companii, ca să facă evenimente. La care să vină nişte vorbitori motivaţionali să le explice şomerilor cum să ajungă să fie de succes.
În principal ajungi să fii de succes păcălind 50 de şomeri să-ţi dea 500 de euro din banii sponsorilor ca să le spui cum să fie de succes.
Iar sponsorii chiar dau bani. Pentru că de bugetele de publicitate se ocupă cretini. Cretini care au impresia că e o idee bună să vadă cei mai proşti 50 de studenţi dintr-o facultate aleatoare un banner cu ei, pe 500 de euro. Care au impresia că dacă dai 50 de euro la un bloggăr pişcotar ca să citească mă-sa, 5 rude şi 4 prieteni despre cum crede el că compania ta e mişto şi moţul căcatului e o idee bună.
Dar na, aşa e publicitatea. Plină de fomişti. Toată lumea suge pula pe barter. Cum urlă foamea într-un lache de la un ziar/radio cum sună la şaorma Spermezeu:
„Alo, domnu’ şaormar, sărumâna. Trimite şi tu 10 şaorme pe adresa redacţiei şi scriu şi io un text de 200 de caractere de şaorma ta/ o laud 15 secunde la radio. Da’ mai rapid, că mi s-a sucombat duodenu’”
Dar cum a ajuns toată media să fie plină de pişcotari agramaţi care sug pula pe o lingură de ciorbă şi 10 milioane pe lună? Foarte simplu. Publicitate nu mai e, bani nu mai sunt, şi toţi oamenii care ştiu să facă ceva s-au reorientat profesional. Din fericire facultatea de jurnalism cacă 300 de proşti pe an creativi cât un sac de cărămizi dar destul de disperaţi încât să mănânce rahat fără sens în media pe 10 milioane şi o şaormă.
Şi cum s-a ajuns la asta?
Păi simplu. SNSPA-ul, facultatea aia de vite, scoate pe porţile staulului 300 de proaste pe an care au impresia că ştiu cu ce se mănâncă publicitatea. Şi sunt angajate la firme de catre proşti. Şi ele manageriază bugetul de publicitate cum ştiu ele mai bine. Pe bloggări pişcotari şi şomeri din asociaţii studenţeşti.
Ştiu ele ce ştiu, că-s tipe interesante. Care-şi schimbă relationship status-ul pe facebook ca să atragă atenţia. Şi au impresia că dacă-şi fac poze într-un bar băşit cu un aparat foto chinezesc de plastic CU FILM în 2012 alături de prietenii lor oligofreni, urâţi ca spatele pulii şi îmbrăcaţi ca un cenaclu de babe, e culeanu.

Review: The Passion of the Christ

Note: This is meant to be a joke. Any outward expression of hatred or ignorance is meant to be taken within the context of the overall piece and does not reflect my own personal beliefs.

Director: Mel Gibson
Year: 2004
Country: USA

Over the past several years a deluge of films have turned basic zombie tropes on their head, and in doing so opened the doors for those who feel the need to scratch the itch of change within a genre filled to the brim with overzealous fans who fear it. The zombies made famous by Romero’s trilogy were pushed to the wayside by Alex Garland and Danny Boyle in 28 Days Later, the French brought us the walking dead who just want to go on with their lives in Les Revenants, and Zach Snyder put a new spin on the slow, lumbering zombie with his remake of Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, which featured hyperfast zombies seemingly propelled by caffeine, speed, and about thirty Red Bulls. In the midst of all of these is Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, wherein we are treated to an alternative zombie film the likes of which have never been seen.

The Passion of the Christ is a zombie film without actually being a zombie film. Instead of depicting the aftermath of the zombification of Jesus, its focus lies more on the events that lead up to it and the characters. One has to give Mel Gibson credit in attempting a film of this caliber. Though not a zombie film on the surface, it contains levels of violence and gore that border on the extreme. As all of the violence is more or less relegated to one individual, the film borders on exploitation and reveals itself in some ways to have the attributes of an ancient snuff film. Based on the events found in a single chapter of the New York Times Best Seller The Holy Bible (2002), The Passion of the Christ follows the torture and subsequent death and emergence as a zombie of one Jesus H. Christ, a poor, humble carpenter who has acquired a cult-like following of men he calls his “Disciples.” He is captured by the priests of the city Judaea, a fascist theocracy not unlike that of present day America, where he is subjected to torture and embarrassment for claiming to be the Son of God. It is not until the end of the film do we see any trace of a zombie, and it is only for a brief moment before the credits roll.
As stated above, unique to this film is the manner in which they approach the subject matter. Though zombies are conspicuously absent, the blood and violence that pervades nearly three quarters of the film is enough to rival that of some of the more gruesome films of this kind, such as Dead Alive and Cannibal Holocaust. Jesus is whipped and beaten mercilessly, chunks of flesh flying off his body all while throngs of people stand by and laugh gleefully. The blood flows and bones are broken as the film straddles the fine line between torture porn and exploitation film, its engrossing story and compelling characters allowing the film to skirt the much derided moniker.

Mel Gibson succeeds at making this cult leader a sympathetic character and an anti-hero in the same vein as V from V for Vendetta and as he endures more torture than one human being could handle, his stoicism begins to fade and his emotions take hold of his frail, battered body, until finally, three dies after succumbing from his wounds, he rises from the dead and wreaks havoc throughout Judaea. While this was filmed, it was given an epilogue treatment reminiscent of the end credits of Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake, and can only be found on the DVD, as it was deemed to gruesome for theater. The remaining characters provide a major draw for the viewer, as they allow us to see another side of the story. While most zombie films focus on the blood and violence and all manner of ever-present grotesqueries, this one gives us frequent glimpses into how the loved ones of those infected react to such a catastrophic event. Gibson goes one step further and places the emphasis square on the shoulders of one man and a few close relatives. In this approach we are able to not only see the violence horror fans crave, but also to be drawn into an in depth character-driven story filled with emotion.
It is well known that Mel Gibson is an anti-Semite, and given this, in an age where horror films are heavy on the metaphors and allegories (George Romero anyone?), it is entirely possible that the “virus” in the film that turns Jesus into a zombie could be the Jews that condemn him to death. In a recent interview, Gibson stated that, “Given the content, I knew the film would be controversial, so I had to leave several things open to interpretation.” Though I disagree with the message Gibson is seemingly trying to convey, I believe this is a breath of fresh in the world of zombie cinema, in which we’re inundated with hordes of dead people reanimated by a virus, or the dust from a comet’s tail, or something equally as implausible. No explanation is given, as none is needed. Whether or not one was intended is anyone’s guess, but part of the magic is formulating our own opinions concerning the content of the film.

Though Jesus does not appear in zombie form until the very end of the film, throughout the scourging, zombie-like characteristics start to seep through the cracks, attempting to overpower all the good that he is attempting to preach. Gibson here employs very, very subtle film techniques in order to show this, such as intermittent reddening of the eyes and his apparent super-strength, as an ordinary human being not infected by the virus would have succumbed to the injuries sustained by Jesus long before they forced him to carry the cross. Several times he emits a wail not unlike that of a typical Romero-esque zombie, though this is often subdued by the maniacal laughter of his Jewish adversaries.
It is rare for a movie within a genre that is so derided among the mainstream movie-going populace to achieve such critical and financial success, but The Passion of the Christ managed to do so and more, obliterating box office records and causing a wealth of controversy in the process. Many claimed the film was anti-Semitic, lending credence to the idea that the “virus” can be perceived, at least by Gibson, as the Jewish threat. Despite this, I believe Gibson crafted a masterful horror film, and it remains to this day a fresh take on such a beloved subgenre among dedicated horror fans.

If I were to write a zombie Jesus film, this would happen:

Note: I don’t recall who made this image, but it’s brilliant and the creator deserves mad props.